One thing about sex: No matter your own relationship status, you probably want to be having more of it. If you talk to your friends about your sex life, it might feel like you’re having less sex than everyone else, which can lead you to exaggerate your answers, creating an endless cycle.
A new survey from Marriage.com asked more than 3,000 people in various types of committed relationships about their sex lives. All respondents were in a relationship, engaged or married; the study didn’t include any single people.
While differences in responses existed by gender, age and type of relationship, one commonality was very apparent: A majority of people want to be having more sex than they are. Specifically, 73% of respondents indicated they want more sexual frequency, while only about 20% were happy with their current sex lives.
As for how often is “not often enough”? The survey found that 30% of respondents had sex less than once a month—the plurality of respondents. 17% said they had sex two to three times per week; 13% said once a week; 12% said two to three times per month; and 8% said more than once a day.
But when asked how often they would prefer to have sex, the plurality—22%—said two to three times per week, while 17% said four to six times per week, and 15% said more than once a day.
Gender and Age Differences
Stereotypes say that men tend to want more sex than women. The Marriage.com survey agrees with that, to a point. For example, 35% of women said they want to increase their sexual frequency a lot, compared to 51% of men.
However, the plurality of both males and females—24% of men and 21% of women—said that having sex two to three times per week would be their ideal frequency, so there is plenty of common ground here.
One big difference, though, was in the level of satisfaction they reported about their sex lives. While 35% of females said they wanted to increase sex “a lot,” and 33% said they wanted to increase sex “a little,” only 22% said they were very dissatisfied with their current sex lives.
While there are things they’d change, most women were still happy with the status quo. But this wasn’t the case for most of the men. 44% said they were very dissatisfied with their sex lives, which is twice the amount of female responders.
Similarly, there were some differences by age. Gen Z respondents were the most likely to want their current sex lives to stay the same at 24%, compared to 15% of millennials and Gen X, 13% of Boomers and 12% of the Silent Generation. However, Gen Z still followed the same pattern as other generations: a plurality of 37% want to have a “lot more” sex, followed by a “little more” at 28%.
Why Aren’t People Having More Sex?
If most people regardless of age and gender want to be having at least a little more sex, why aren’t they doing so? That’s where the study gets really interesting. It shows that having more sex usually isn’t a matter of mismatched libidos.
Instead, it often comes down to many different outside factors, primarily lack of time for 39.8% and stress, burnout or mental health challenges for 35.1%. In fact, when it comes to the “reasons we’re not having sex” list, differences in libido ranked fifth out of 10.
Along with work-related reasons, many people, 33.6%, also cited emotional distance from their partner or relationship tension at 31.4%. While some people might see this as similar to a mismatched libido, it’s really not because getting into an argument with your partner definitely affects your emotions and how ready you are to get naked.
How To Have More Sex
Ultimately, this study shows that some of the most common reasons people aren’t having sex more can be changed. This is a good thing for all the sexually frustrated people out there—though it does require doing some work. Or possibly less work if you actually take some of your paid time off.
Communication is key here. If you and your partner can identify the barriers to a more active sex life, you can then begin to work at overcoming them. For example, if you’re always staying late at work, you might need to set some boundaries in favor of work-life balance or be more intentional about not checking work emails at home.
If you’re feeling emotionally disconnected, discuss schedule some one-on-one date time by hiring a babysitter and planning a romantic night out. Until then, turn the volume up on Kacey Musgraves’ song “Dry Spell” and know that you’re not alone.
